Get Out of My Car! And Go Get Some Ice Cream...

By now you've probably heard plenty about Madlyn Primoff, the New York mother who, after listening to her tween daughters fight in the backseat, finally decided to drive in peace and kicked both girls out of the car. Primoff ended up in jail charged with child endangerment and with a temporary order barring her from seeing her daughters. Primoff, a lawyer, clearly has the mind of a legal genius!

If you were particularly outraged by this story and upset by Primoff's treatment of her daughters, you probably don't have children. Or you write for a mainstream publication and need to take the opportunity to elevate your own parenting skills in contrast to Primoff's. Or your children are still small and are cute and cuddly enough to counterbalance their bad behavior by eliciting parental reactions of guilt rather than sheer anger. Not so with a tween. Preadolescents and adolescents are defined by awkwardness -physical, social, and emotional - and within the company of their parents, this awkwardness often morphs into downright nasty, disgusting behavior - the very behavior that might trigger a parent to eject their ungrateful tween from the car three miles from home.

I would guess that many parents were less outraged and more relieved by Primoff's arrest. Most parents can completely identify with the Primoff's snap. In fact, many like parenting blogger mad black grandmother, might see Primoff's decision to throw her kids out of the car as a fair lesson in actions and consequences, a relatively safe way to get her girls attention. The relief that these parents might feel when they hear Primoff's story is two part. First, most parents will be relieved to find out that other parents are experiencing the daily rage, disappointment and bewilderment that comes with parenting children of all ages and pre-grown-ups in particular. Second, they might be relieved that their own struggles with these emotions haven't gotten them arrested.

If you don't have kids (why in the world would you be reading this?) you might think that I'm going a little too easy on Primoff. Let me be clear, I'm not condoning her behavior, I'm just saying I understand it's origins. And my sympathy for Primoff is based on the facts of the incident. Primoff told her kids to walk in the middle of the afternoon on a comparatively nice day. The hardships incurred by walking three miles are relatively few. She didn't drop them off in the middle of the street but in a parking lot. Her older daughter managed to get back onto the car, the ten year old was somehow left behind. Admittedly, this twist bewilders me. The ten year old then found a sympathetic stranger (called a "good Samaritan" in one news cast) who first took the kid to get ice cream and then dropped her off at the local police station. When Primoff went to find the girl, she was forced to call the police to lay claim to her child and subsequently be arrested.

In none of these facts do I see anything that tells me that the either of her children were at risk for anything more than learning a lesson. Except that now the lesson has been warped from "be respectful to your mother and each other (especially in the car)" or "don't piss your mom off while she's driving" to "go ahead and make mommy mad, she'll get in trouble not you" and "even if my mom is mean, someone will buy me ice cream."

Yes, that's irritation with the "good Samaritan" you sense from me. I do feel like that adult facilitated Primoff's troubles. I'm not blaming her or saying that Primoff didn't get herself into this mess. But taking the kid to get ice cream and the to the police? What about the option where you ask the "abandoned" child what her home phone number is and call her parent directly. Remember this child is ten not four. I'm not saying that intervening adults should return children to their parents bar none, I'm simply suggesting that this "Samaritan" could have applied some fact analysis to the situation. Did the well heeled child look undernourished, generally mistreated, abused? I understand that you can't always tell these things, but you can't just disavow them altogether. If you do, then a stop at the ice cream shop has no place in your rescue plan for the child. If you truly believe that a youth is at risk in their home, contacting the authorities, not ordering a twist cone, should be your first move.

And what of Primoff? Well aside from jail time, legal fees and notoriety, the fallout for her rash decision is going to be pretty ugly. After all, while her kids may now know for sure that she really is crazy enough to follow through on her threats, they'll also know that her hands are quite literally tied in all parenting matters. These kids hopped out of the car and into the driver's seat when it comes to the decisions informing their childhood. I can only imagine the damage that will be done by the total dissolution of Primoff's parenting credibility. On the upside though, Primoff's pretty much done with handling any carpooling and hosting anymore slumber parties.

Swine Flu

We don't have it. As far as I know. We have not been to Mexico, or even to the west side of town recently. However, I can not vouch for my husband's weekday whereabouts since last fall, so the door is not totally shut on potential exposure. But I should point out that if Daddyfesto has been sipping cocktails on a Mexican beach while I have been home minding his offspring, we've got more to worry about than a mutant flu strain.

That said, I would be lying if I claimed I hadn't entertained calling the pediatrician and just discussing the swine flu (you know, just to be safe) in the past 24 hours. I'm not entirely crazy, my kids are sick. My son has a nasty cough (it sounds just like he's been smoking two packs of menthols daily for all of his five years). And my girls both have their own manifestations of illness. The eight year old spewed her lunch all over the rec center doors on Friday after school (don't worry we still made the ice skating lesson) and then followed up with several more vomiting spells throughout the weekend. My two year old has been rockin' a 102.6 (under the arm) fever for three days.

Normally I wouldn't even consider informing their pediatrician of these circumstances. The thirty dollar co-pay, coupled with the requirement that we all be dressed, makes actual doctor's office visits pretty unappealing. Especially when I can save myself the trouble of putting on a bra by simply advising myself to alternate ibuprofen and acetaminophen and to make sure the kids get plenty of fluids. But with all this concern over the swine flu, I'm feeling slightly less cavalier about the situation.

I'm not sure why I'm hesitant to call the pediatrician and report the kids symptoms. Probably it's because I don't want to be grouped with the hypochondriac mothers who are undoubtedly already calling the office to check if Johnnie and Janie have swine flu because they sneezed and went to Dora Live this weekend (that's pretty much Mexico right?). Obviously, I'm a different, saner kind of hypochondriac mother. And I am not in the mood to be condescended to - "We recommend hand-washing Mrs. Festo" by some childless do-gooder ten years my junior.

I could try to call anonymously, but that never seems to go over well at the pediatrician (well at least our pediatrician's office). This fall I realized that I had forgotten to get some important forms and documents transferred from pediatrician to school - you know, the records that document that your kids aren't carrying something like, let's say swine flu. I was also acutely aware of the practice's strict policy about allowing plenty of time for the turnover of all medical forms. I hatched a plan. I called the office and posed an anonymous question. I did not immediately identify myself like I usually do and I sort of used a fake voice (deeper not higher). Thirty seconds into my question the receptionist interrupted with a question of her own, "Mrs. Festo is that you?" Busted! Obviously anonymous advice seeking won't work for me.

So short of actually calling my pediatrician and getting her thoughts on the possibility of my kids succumbing to the swine flu, what can I do to prevent the spread of disease and preserve life? Well obviously I've canceled all overseas and exotic travel plans I and my three invalids may have had for the near future. And I've gently reminded my kids to please cough in their elbows and wash their goddamn hands (especially after wiping - wait should they be washing my hands?). I also quickly recognized that the fact that we have been using the master bedroom as infirmary means that all the bedding in there is tainted. In order to guarantee that no germs are spread on sheets and blankets, I rushed right out and bought a fresh set of sheets (and a new down comforter). Yes I'm aware there's a recession, I'm not throwing out the old sheets, I just thought that buying new ones would ensure sanitation much more quickly than waiting to for the old ones to deliver themselves to and through our laundry room.

Other than that I'm not really sure what else to do about my kids and the swine flu. I could keep them all home from school, but coming off a five day stint with two or more sick kids at all times, I can say with certainty that house arrest will be more dangerous for all of us than any pig-bird-human flu mix.

Cocktails News

We will be attending the school benefit this weekend. Aside from the availability of alcohol and the obvious absence of my kids, I’m not overly excited. This type of thing requires way too much effort going in: buying tickets, finding babysitter, thinking of an outfit - laundering the outfit - applying superhuman willpower not to buy a new outfit, all this and the whole showering-shaving-make-up thing.

And for a stay-at-home mommy like me, it requires the additional prep of researching and readying myself for adult conversation - or "cocktail talk". I’m a smart girl but somehow I don’t think my fluent Spanish (“C’mon Vominos…”) or shape knowledge will impress the other benefactors with whom I’ll be mingling. So, in an effort to not look like a complete moron in adult company, I’ve been brushing up on current events. And I’ve even decided to go highbrow - I’ve put aside the US Weekly in favor of Newsweek. And in the course of my "studies" I came across two news items that I thought might be of interest to my reader (not a typo, I’m aware of what goes on here).

First, Sarah Kliff on the Newsweek health beat reports that kids’ proclivity toward healthy eating can in fact be easily influenced ( I’m practicing using big words for my big night out). Translation: new research shows that getting kids to eat their veggies is actually easier than expected. Obviously this is total hooey, but I’ll give you the details anyway. According to the Ivy League’s finest (researchers at Yale and Cornell), "the problem may not be the presence of junk food after all: it’s that the good food just isn’t appealing enough." Ah Ha! That’s what forty-thousand a year buys you! To combat the unappealingness of veggies, the scientists suggest using some creative super-power labeling. For example, when Kindergartners were told they were eating “x-ray vision carrots”, the kids ate 50% more. So that means that the promise of seeing through EVERYTHING, got kids to nibble the tops off of baby carrot doused in ranch dressing rather than two! Wow - that is the stuff of superheroes.

For those of you interested in trying this new and surely powerful labeling technique at home, I submit the following suggestions. First, try calling asparagus, “toxic pee asparagus” – if the promise of overwhelmingly fowl smelling urine won’t get your preschoolers to ingest the vegetable, nothing will. Broccoli is chock full of vitamins and has even been touted as one of the vegetable world’s most promising antioxidants, how about calling it “keep your hair broccoli” (awful I know). And finally what about a catch-all super-power for any vegetable that might land on their plates? Try, pointing out the veggie’s inherent force-field powers, as in “If you eat those brussels sprouts without whining, I won’t have to strangle you…”

In other health news, also from Newsweek (really did you think I could widen my net in just one night?), it seems that circumcision rates are decreasing. And it’s not just because snipping is no longer in vogue. Instead it’s because at $300 a pop (or chop) circumcision is becoming a luxury not a necessity for new parents whose insurance companies no longer cover the elective procedure. You can read the details here. On this I have no comment, other than I’m sure my husband is happy he had an extra $300 on hand when our son was born.

Maybe we’d all be better off if I stay home Saturday night.