Get Out of My Car! And Go Get Some Ice Cream...

By now you've probably heard plenty about Madlyn Primoff, the New York mother who, after listening to her tween daughters fight in the backseat, finally decided to drive in peace and kicked both girls out of the car. Primoff ended up in jail charged with child endangerment and with a temporary order barring her from seeing her daughters. Primoff, a lawyer, clearly has the mind of a legal genius!

If you were particularly outraged by this story and upset by Primoff's treatment of her daughters, you probably don't have children. Or you write for a mainstream publication and need to take the opportunity to elevate your own parenting skills in contrast to Primoff's. Or your children are still small and are cute and cuddly enough to counterbalance their bad behavior by eliciting parental reactions of guilt rather than sheer anger. Not so with a tween. Preadolescents and adolescents are defined by awkwardness -physical, social, and emotional - and within the company of their parents, this awkwardness often morphs into downright nasty, disgusting behavior - the very behavior that might trigger a parent to eject their ungrateful tween from the car three miles from home.

I would guess that many parents were less outraged and more relieved by Primoff's arrest. Most parents can completely identify with the Primoff's snap. In fact, many like parenting blogger mad black grandmother, might see Primoff's decision to throw her kids out of the car as a fair lesson in actions and consequences, a relatively safe way to get her girls attention. The relief that these parents might feel when they hear Primoff's story is two part. First, most parents will be relieved to find out that other parents are experiencing the daily rage, disappointment and bewilderment that comes with parenting children of all ages and pre-grown-ups in particular. Second, they might be relieved that their own struggles with these emotions haven't gotten them arrested.

If you don't have kids (why in the world would you be reading this?) you might think that I'm going a little too easy on Primoff. Let me be clear, I'm not condoning her behavior, I'm just saying I understand it's origins. And my sympathy for Primoff is based on the facts of the incident. Primoff told her kids to walk in the middle of the afternoon on a comparatively nice day. The hardships incurred by walking three miles are relatively few. She didn't drop them off in the middle of the street but in a parking lot. Her older daughter managed to get back onto the car, the ten year old was somehow left behind. Admittedly, this twist bewilders me. The ten year old then found a sympathetic stranger (called a "good Samaritan" in one news cast) who first took the kid to get ice cream and then dropped her off at the local police station. When Primoff went to find the girl, she was forced to call the police to lay claim to her child and subsequently be arrested.

In none of these facts do I see anything that tells me that the either of her children were at risk for anything more than learning a lesson. Except that now the lesson has been warped from "be respectful to your mother and each other (especially in the car)" or "don't piss your mom off while she's driving" to "go ahead and make mommy mad, she'll get in trouble not you" and "even if my mom is mean, someone will buy me ice cream."

Yes, that's irritation with the "good Samaritan" you sense from me. I do feel like that adult facilitated Primoff's troubles. I'm not blaming her or saying that Primoff didn't get herself into this mess. But taking the kid to get ice cream and the to the police? What about the option where you ask the "abandoned" child what her home phone number is and call her parent directly. Remember this child is ten not four. I'm not saying that intervening adults should return children to their parents bar none, I'm simply suggesting that this "Samaritan" could have applied some fact analysis to the situation. Did the well heeled child look undernourished, generally mistreated, abused? I understand that you can't always tell these things, but you can't just disavow them altogether. If you do, then a stop at the ice cream shop has no place in your rescue plan for the child. If you truly believe that a youth is at risk in their home, contacting the authorities, not ordering a twist cone, should be your first move.

And what of Primoff? Well aside from jail time, legal fees and notoriety, the fallout for her rash decision is going to be pretty ugly. After all, while her kids may now know for sure that she really is crazy enough to follow through on her threats, they'll also know that her hands are quite literally tied in all parenting matters. These kids hopped out of the car and into the driver's seat when it comes to the decisions informing their childhood. I can only imagine the damage that will be done by the total dissolution of Primoff's parenting credibility. On the upside though, Primoff's pretty much done with handling any carpooling and hosting anymore slumber parties.