Swine Flu

We don't have it. As far as I know. We have not been to Mexico, or even to the west side of town recently. However, I can not vouch for my husband's weekday whereabouts since last fall, so the door is not totally shut on potential exposure. But I should point out that if Daddyfesto has been sipping cocktails on a Mexican beach while I have been home minding his offspring, we've got more to worry about than a mutant flu strain.

That said, I would be lying if I claimed I hadn't entertained calling the pediatrician and just discussing the swine flu (you know, just to be safe) in the past 24 hours. I'm not entirely crazy, my kids are sick. My son has a nasty cough (it sounds just like he's been smoking two packs of menthols daily for all of his five years). And my girls both have their own manifestations of illness. The eight year old spewed her lunch all over the rec center doors on Friday after school (don't worry we still made the ice skating lesson) and then followed up with several more vomiting spells throughout the weekend. My two year old has been rockin' a 102.6 (under the arm) fever for three days.

Normally I wouldn't even consider informing their pediatrician of these circumstances. The thirty dollar co-pay, coupled with the requirement that we all be dressed, makes actual doctor's office visits pretty unappealing. Especially when I can save myself the trouble of putting on a bra by simply advising myself to alternate ibuprofen and acetaminophen and to make sure the kids get plenty of fluids. But with all this concern over the swine flu, I'm feeling slightly less cavalier about the situation.

I'm not sure why I'm hesitant to call the pediatrician and report the kids symptoms. Probably it's because I don't want to be grouped with the hypochondriac mothers who are undoubtedly already calling the office to check if Johnnie and Janie have swine flu because they sneezed and went to Dora Live this weekend (that's pretty much Mexico right?). Obviously, I'm a different, saner kind of hypochondriac mother. And I am not in the mood to be condescended to - "We recommend hand-washing Mrs. Festo" by some childless do-gooder ten years my junior.

I could try to call anonymously, but that never seems to go over well at the pediatrician (well at least our pediatrician's office). This fall I realized that I had forgotten to get some important forms and documents transferred from pediatrician to school - you know, the records that document that your kids aren't carrying something like, let's say swine flu. I was also acutely aware of the practice's strict policy about allowing plenty of time for the turnover of all medical forms. I hatched a plan. I called the office and posed an anonymous question. I did not immediately identify myself like I usually do and I sort of used a fake voice (deeper not higher). Thirty seconds into my question the receptionist interrupted with a question of her own, "Mrs. Festo is that you?" Busted! Obviously anonymous advice seeking won't work for me.

So short of actually calling my pediatrician and getting her thoughts on the possibility of my kids succumbing to the swine flu, what can I do to prevent the spread of disease and preserve life? Well obviously I've canceled all overseas and exotic travel plans I and my three invalids may have had for the near future. And I've gently reminded my kids to please cough in their elbows and wash their goddamn hands (especially after wiping - wait should they be washing my hands?). I also quickly recognized that the fact that we have been using the master bedroom as infirmary means that all the bedding in there is tainted. In order to guarantee that no germs are spread on sheets and blankets, I rushed right out and bought a fresh set of sheets (and a new down comforter). Yes I'm aware there's a recession, I'm not throwing out the old sheets, I just thought that buying new ones would ensure sanitation much more quickly than waiting to for the old ones to deliver themselves to and through our laundry room.

Other than that I'm not really sure what else to do about my kids and the swine flu. I could keep them all home from school, but coming off a five day stint with two or more sick kids at all times, I can say with certainty that house arrest will be more dangerous for all of us than any pig-bird-human flu mix.